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A Loving Husband - picture joke

Women Falling Over - 1m 30s

Lutrine Prestidigitation - 1 min

Classic Oldie Film Footage of Kris Kremo Juggllng - 7 min

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Bob

How To Avoid PMS - 3 min

Girls Are Not To Be Trusted - 5 min - comedy

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: 

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. 

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. 

And, finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan

?

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. One U.S. official asked "Chief Two Eagles, You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances, you've seen his progress, and the damages he has done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, 

"When white man found land, Indians were running it ...

No Taxes

No Debt

Plenty buffalo

Plenty beaver

Woman do all work

Medicine man free

Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing

All night have sex 

Then Chief Two Eagles leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is a 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women lost.

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell,"

Her mother replied, "marry him anyway. Between the two of us, We'll show him how wrong he is."

Millions of middle-aged women are thrilled with the results of a new study which found delusional women in their fifties who were once considered over the hill are now considered desirable and sexy.

Up to 60 mph. 

"I want the car, too," s he continues. 

65 mph.

"And," s he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge abutment. This makes her nervous, so s he asks him: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The husband at last replies -- in a quiet and controlled voice, "No, I've got absolutely everything I need," he says.

"Oh, really," the wife inquires, "so what, exactly have you got?" 

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the husband turns to her and says, "The airbag."

Woman: Would you get married again if I died?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen, etc. but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the tax department."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Two women, just newly arrived at the pearly gates, are comparing stories on how they died and reached Heaven.

1st woman: "I froze to death."

2nd woman: "How horrible!"

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband of cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the living room watching TV."

1st woman: "So what happened?"

2nd woman: "I was so sure there was another woman there, I started hunting all over the house. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every cupboard and checked under all the beds."

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

1st woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive!"

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

"Not very long." answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life." The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

With the extra money the bigger boat will bring, you can buy a second and a third and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my Friend, that's when it gets really interesting." answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the Mexican.

"After that, you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."

 An older couple decides to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" 
"To the kitchen" he replies. 
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. 
"Sure," he says.
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. 
"No, I can remember it." 
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." 
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake." 
Then he grumbles into the kitchen. 
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast? 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope, poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive."

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"

The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh, then it will say in newspapers in the morning: "Brave American saves life of little girl" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" says the man. "Oh, what are you then?"

"The man says: - "I am an Arab!"

The next day the newspapers say: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

One winter morning in Iowa a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through. Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio nnouncer said, We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through. Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......... then the power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, Honey, I don't know what to do.Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said, Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST & HAPPIEST FAIRY TALE


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, played golf and drank a lot of beer -  whenever he wanted.

THE END

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says ... real slowly... "So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in or around Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery where they are sorted by casino and then taken to their casinos of origin and cashed out. This is done by the chip monks.

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. 

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". 

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. 

You may speak two words." 

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." 

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. 

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. 

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 

"You may say two words today." 

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. 

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but moan since you got here." 

The government has discovered that the Bird Flu is, as its name suggests, gender specific. Therefore it is very likely that at some point soon most of the female population will be unable to do much apart from lie in bed, maybe watch TV and shake a little tinkly bell.

It is therefore of the utmost importance that the male population is able to cope with this turn of events. To this end it has been decided that women should start training their husbands, boyfriends or even fit next door neighbours for this eventuality. This training should include how to use domestic appliances such as kettles, washing machines and cookers. How to use these appliances and also look after children and/or pets simultaneously should also be attempted to be taught. Higher level training may include items such as dishwashers and irons.

It is imperative that the whole population is ready and training commence forthwith.

The Government

Enclosed is my tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from USA Today. You will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remittance to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. "Mr. President, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday" "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible, terrible news!" There's silence in the room. Bush's staff sits stunned at his display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks his Secretary of Defense "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little > girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. > "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" > > >>"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" > The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a > safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a > reflector light on the back of it." > The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got > there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" > > >>"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. > The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes underneath the horse.

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs.?

Now that BBQ season has arrived, it is perhaps a good idea to remind one and all of the tremendous significance of barbecues in the fabric of society and why men have barbecued meat from the dawn of civilization. 

BBQ - It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 

1) The woman buys the food. 
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand. 

> > Here comes the important part .... 

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. 

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. 
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. 

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. 

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.  
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 
10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts. 
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women! 

Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?" 
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone happy birthday. I thought, well, that's just great, maybe the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss, happy birthday!" And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day . Let's go!"

We went to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment"

After arriving at her apartment, she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about five minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, my children and a dozen of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. 

Female...... Any part under a car's hood. 
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. 

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. 
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. 

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. 
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. 

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. 
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. 

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. 
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. 

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife.

The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director!"

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for sh*t. Got laid though.

So, to help him fit, he decides to take some air out of himself. He looses some out and tries again, but still he doesn't fit between them. Next, he decides to take some air out of his mom. So he looses some air out of mommy-balloon, but still he doesn't fit. Finally, he decides to take some air out of daddy-balloon as well. He does so, and sure enough he is then able to fit between them. He feels safe and secure, and has a lovely restful night's sleep.

But the next morning, his dad is furious with him. Baby-balloon gets a real telling-off. "You've let your mom down, you've let me down and you've let yourself down."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies...Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said... "CoffeeBreak...do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet...

ate the cookies...

drank the milk...

cr*pped on the paper...

claimed he injured his back while doing so...

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

put in for Workers Compensation...

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

HOME REMEDIES 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. This will make your body too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Woman 1: Oh! That haircut is so cute!

Woman 2: You think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would kill for your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. (etc...)

"Men on Haircuts"

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

A big businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Patel, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," Mr. Patel asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Income Tax Department and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

The computer’s swallowed Grandma.
Yes, honestly, it’s true.
She pressed ‘Control and Enter’,
And disappeared from view.
It’s devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
Maybe she’s caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through the Recycle Bin
And files of every kind
I’ve even used the Internet
But nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked Jeeves,
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found ‘Online’.
So, if inside your In-Box
My Grandma should you see,
Please ‘Scan’, ‘Copy’ and ‘Paste’ her 
Into an e-mail back to me.

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really good news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the really good news?"

The trooper said,"We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!"

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?

Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was brushing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.

In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Christmas turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again.Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs .. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had j ust been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Norm and Larry. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Norm, our prayers have been answered!"

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression." A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now! Before it's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, " Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'? "

Dear Abby, 

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

He hasn't looked for a job since his last one ended over four years ago. All he does is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals. 

Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do? 

Signed, 

Clueless in NY 

Dear Clueless, 

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore, you're a United States Senator. 

Act like it. 

Abby

BEFORE - You take my breath away    AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night     AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation     AFTER - She calls me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever     AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop     AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?     AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream     AFTER - It's like she lives in a dorm

BEFORE - $60/doz.     AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged AFTER - Jumpstart

BEFORE - We agree on everything     AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret     AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble     AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs     AFTER - Ball and chain

BEFORE - Idol     AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves     AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - Time stood still     AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino     AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black     AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters     AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - Passion     AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time     AFTER - The end

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." 

"What did you do?" asks the doctor. 

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' - But I don't really remember too much after that!"

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

...

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

...

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

...

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ."

Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday! 

Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more. * You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day. * You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant. * No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher. * CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"

* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want chips with it.

Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "...in accordance with the prophecy".

Dont use any punctuation

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing at every moment of the day. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess".

When the money comes out of the cashpoint, scream "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"

Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours".

Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

Sing along at the opera.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.

"What about if yer din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70" said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say £40" said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only £5 in that case" said the dentist.

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

In a bold and unexpected move, the Republican-dominated U.S. Supreme Court voted Thursday to overturn the Magna Carta, finally paving the way for George W. Bush to be crowned King and Ruler of the United States later this summer.

Naive Teen Orders 12 CDs For Just One Penny

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter... Welcome to the family."

Moral of the story?

Always keep your condoms in the car.

A very wealthy man wanted to get married.

He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.

He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and waited to see what they each would do with the money.

The first did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair and makeup done, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this just to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts.

She bought him a new set of golf clubs, some new peripherals for his computer, a new hdtv and expensive clothes.

She tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.

She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future together because she loves him so much.

The man was very impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

After much thought, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Austin, Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?! IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.................Ya shoulda bought a hat."

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible that he had been wanting all his life. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-95. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man. He pushed it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph ... then 110, then 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I' m too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I' ll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

Schwarzenegger has a big one. 
Michael J. Fox has a small one. 
Madonna doesn't have one. 
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time. 
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. 
Liberace never used his on women. 
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. 
Cher claims that she took on 3. 
We never saw Lucy use Desi's. 
What is it?

Answer is at the very bottom of this screen.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?" "Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

A golden oldie ...

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away. 

The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who the hell was that?” 

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.” 

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!” 

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But, My Dearest, the decision is yours.” 

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. “Who’s that woman with Jim?” asks the wife. 

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband. 

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". 

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine" 

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." 

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now". 

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" 

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really". 

"What about that eye patch?" 

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh*t in my eye". 

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?" 

"It was my first day with the hook."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. 

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him that it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." 

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" 

"The bad news is that I think that the guy is your doctor," the owner replied.

Answer = A last name.